Have you ever wondered why there is so much division in our world? Why we seem to have lost the fine art of calm, compassionate discourse? I, for one, long to be back at my family dinner table, having passionate political exchanges with my Dad, a political science professor and my brother, who was once his student, about all kinds of social issues. I grew up with those kinds of conversations that gave me the ability to be an effective communicator.
Why are those opportunities so rare now, I ask myself?
I think it has everything to do with loss! What’s loss got to do with it? Everything.
When was the last time you were in a discussion and found your shoulders tense and your jaw tighten? That sense that your body becomes a barrier, protecting you from the words of another. In her article, “Conflict is a Whole Body Experience,” researcher Carolyn Hirst describes this physical response as our response to a sense of threat. (LinkedIn , 2020).
In that moment, what were you most afraid to lose? Control? Power? Why? What would it mean if the other person was right? What would you lose? Or, what have you lost that makes you feel entitled to something you believe was taken from you?
Our losses signal what and who we value. When we engage in conversation, they loom in the background of our psyche like little messengers fighting for attention in our brains: “Remember when that abuse caused me to feel helpless? This person is triggering that memory.” Or, “Remember that teacher who never took me seriously? This conversation feels like I am being ignored, minimized, or dismissed just like I felt with that teacher.”
These unconscious loss experiences, or what my mentor Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, “The tunnel and the light, (Da Capo Press, 1999) called "unfinished business", can stand in the way of our ability to communicate kindly, respectfully, and compassionately. That’s on us! It’s entirely our responsibility to understand and manage those unresolved losses so we can be part of the solution to the world’s divisiveness. If we aren’t actively pursuing unity, we aid division.
What can we do?
Child advocacy organizations like The Child Mind Institute advocate for us to support children in developing a heightened sense of gratitude as part of their overall wellness. Imagine if children everywhere grew up with compassionate messages of gratitude instead of being taught what they need to feel angry about—what they don’t have and what they deserve. What are they entitled to inherit from life instead of how can they contribute?
How would our communication change if we released the fear-based comments that elicit a protective and defensive stance and replaced them with curious questions about how we can support each other in discovering new ways to view ourselves and our lives as precious and meaningful? Instead of focusing on what we have lost, what if we emphasized what we have to be thankful for?
I find myself breathing a sigh of hope when I think about changing our communication in this way.
To be our best self means to be our best for self and others. We need each other, and if we all took one step forward towards being better communicators, it’s one less person building walls and one more breaking them down.
Here are five ways to improve your communication and promote peaceful, effective dialogue:
1. Listen more than you speak.
2. Empathize with the other person’s fears.
3. Identify what and who you value and find common ground.
4. Remain calm and present.
5. No matter what, remain compassionate.
About Dr. Katie Eastman
Dr. Katie Eastman is a national grief/trauma therapist, speaker, and consultant with ReCreate Coaching and Counseling in Anacortes, Washington. As a licensed psychotherapist, licensed social worker, and life coach specializing in loss and transition, she supports individuals and communities before, during, and after serious loss for the past thirty years. By allowing the pain of loss to serve as an opportunity for positive change she helps people of all ages reaffirm and recreate meaning by revealing the individual and collective skills, gifts, and talents we each bring to the world. An engaging author and storyteller, she is known as an authentic force for good and love. Dr. Eastman was a student of Dr. Kubler-Ross and was deeply affected by her work throughout her career.
Dr. Eastman is the author and co-author of multiple books, including her new book UPLIFTING: Inspiring Stories of Loss, Change and Growth (Balboa Press, 2024) and PERCOLATE - Let Your Best Self Filter Through (Hay House 2014).
Visit: https://www.drkatieeastman.com/ for more information.
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