Bullies often bring out the worst in us. They often make it personal by attacking our intelligence, competence, sanity, and morals. They may verbally attack us or put it in writing at work, in our families, or in our communities with statements such as “You’re an idiot and you don’t know what you’re doing.”
This can trigger a sense of helplessness and self-criticism if we respond passively and just take it, thinking it’s our own fault and there’s nothing we can do (the passive approach). On the other hand, they can trigger outrage in us causing us to respond with intense anger, which makes us appear out of control and others may think that we’re the bully (the aggressive approach). Or we might respond with a sarcastic comment (essentially a passive-aggressive approach, which is still aggressive).
But there’s a third way and that’s the assertive approach. It’s a measured response that may stop the bullying while also letting you avoid getting down in the mud with the bully so that you can feel good about yourself. Here are three techniques that can help with this:
1) Respond with a verbal sentence or two that shows empathy, attention, or respect—an EAR Statement™. This may be the opposite of what you feel like doing, but it can calm or distract a bully enough to discourage them from continuing. For example: “You sound frustrated.” Or: “I can see how important this is to you.” (Empathy) Or: “Tell me more. I want to understand your concerns.” (Attention) Or: “I respect your knowledge on this subject.” (Respect) This often catches a bully off guard because it shows that you are not intimidated. Yet you are acknowledging their feelings or concerns underneath their statement and ignoring their personal attack. This shows that you can be above the fray.
2) If their personal attack is in writing (such as an email, text, or social media post), respond in writing in a way that is brief, informative, friendly, and firm—a BIFF Response®. This can provide the other person with logical information that applies to the situation, without attacking what the other person has written. For example, here’s a simple paragraph (Brief): “Thanks for letting me know you are concerned about this situation. (Friendly) Here’s some information you may not have: The project is on schedule. This is the approach we were trained in. (Informative) If you would like to discuss this in person, let me know.” (Firm) Firm doesn’t mean harsh, it just means that you end the written hostile conversation. If necessary, you can also end with a simple Yes-or-No question.
3) Whether their personal attack is in person or in writing, you can also ask for their proposed solution, which shifts the conversation onto what can be done and puts the focus on the bully to come up with a constructive answer. For example: “So, what do you propose that we do?” Or: “What do you suggest?” If you don’t think they will have anything to offer or willmake a further bullying statement, you can just say how you see the options: “As I see it, we have three choices of what to do in this situation. We could do _____ or _____ or _____. What do you think?” It could just be two choices. The idea is to get the person thinking about solutions rather than making it personal. By shifting the conversation to problem-solving, any further bullying comments by the other person seem fairly ridiculous and out of place.
Of course, these responses take practice. If you think you’re going to be in a bullying situation, it helps to practice with a friend or family member beforehand.
If the situation you are in is dangerous (such as domestic violence or threats of physical assault at work), don’t try to form a measured response—just do whatever it takes to get out of the situation to a safe place.
If you don’t feel comfortable giving one of these three types of responses to bullying, you can still repeat a phrase or two to yourself. For example: “His comments are not about me.” Or: “She lacks the ability to make a constructive comment about this situation.”
It also helps to find someone you can talk to about the bullying. The worst thing is to accept the bullying and criticize yourself. No one deserves to be bullied, even if you made a mistake. In reality, bullying is about the bully, not the target. Most people know how to focus on problem-solving rather than making disparaging remarks about their family members, co-workers, and others in their community.
Practice the above responses to bullying and you can be your best self regardless of what someone else may say.
Bill Eddy is the author of several books including the recently-released Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them. He is the Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute, which trains professionals and individuals worldwide in managing bullies and dealing with high conflict situations, as well as offering consultation and coaching in the above skills for anyone.
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